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Thursday, March 25, 2010

So close, yet so far away

Two pounds to go until I hit the "20 lbs lost since November" milestone. Still another 11 lbs until I hit my goal weight. Two lbs or even eleven lbs to go really isn't that bad considering that over the past 6 years I've lost 70 pounds (if you don't count the regains and losses after the two pregnancies). Seventy pounds - just crazy. I actually hadn't realized that I just hit that mark this past week. I was too focused on that 2 or 11 loss still to come.

Sometimes I think that 165 (my goal weight) is still too heavy. Now that I'm closer to it and I see parts of my body that I still think are too big or need improvement. I think - well maybe 150 is a better goal? Given than I'm 5' 9" I can carry those pounds easier than someone that's smaller. If you would have asked me at 246 (size almost up to a 20) what I thought I would feel like at 176 (size almost down to a 10) I probably would have answered something along the lines of "super modelish" but I don't feel that way. And I don't like that I don't feel that way because it discounts the hard work and effort that I have put into this journey. I certainly appreciate the way I fit into my clothes and the fact that I don't have to suck in my stomach quite as much as I used to - but then silly ol' me starts focusing on a jiggle or some cellulite and I lose the other appreciation.

But what does give me extra motivation right now is being so close to that "2 lbs until 20" mark. I just said no to dessert; I said no to the sausage biscuit and mayo on my sandwich at lunch. I'm keeping myfooddiary.com religiously up to date and tracking every calorie to make sure that I'm getting enough calories but sticking at a pace to lose 1.5 lbs a week. I made myself get on the treadmill last night because I had to burn some calories. So I have motivation this week. I hope even by Sunday to report that I hit my goal (though it might take longer and that's okay).

Then I'll only be 9 lbs away from the magic number that puts me in the "normal" range of a BMI scale. Even if I feel 165 is too big I can no longer be called overweight. I can start eating and exercising to maintain my weight and just gain overall fitness rather than constantly being focused on "having to lose weight." Just the thought of that brings tears to my eyes since I've spent the last 20 years feeling like I had to lose weight. Twenty years is too damn long to feel that way. So wish me luck over the next few weeks because I want this stage to be over.

1 comment:

  1. Way to go!! You are AMAZING!!!

    And, just a thought...remember the size I was when I got married? I STILL thought I was too big. I still saw bulges, jiggles, adn things that were still "not right." I was 127 lbs, and a size 7. When I looked in the mirror, I still saw a size 14 me. I still felt like a 14. So, keep your focus on being healthy. See what life feels like at 165. And, by all means, go on with self-improvment, but also realize that sometimes we're in denial about how small we actually are; just like we can be in denial about just how large we really are.

    Keep up the good work!! I'm SOOO impressed!!